A Week Later 7-14-11

So, here I am at Rogers, been here for a week today. Thankfully I am in the residential program now instead of the inpatient hospital setting. Things have been hard to say the least, somehow I think I have been winning the battle more than losing though, which is good. Although I have been doing well following the program rules mentally and emotionally it is terribly difficult. Most days I am overwhelmed by anxiety and fear of the healing and changing process. This is not fun and leaves me feeling disgusted inside and out due to the changes in my healing body. Knowing in my head that they are needed and good but not being able to appreciate it in my heart.
When I first got here there were issues with my insurance covering and because of this the treatment team transferred me to the residential program which is much cheaper than inpatient and insurance thankfully agreed to pay. I did have to pay some out of pocket expenses which was also difficult to hand over, but I guess if it is going to help me live life again than mentally I know you can't place a price on it, however, it is never easy to sacrifice such a large sum of $. Well I guess I should be grateful that I had the money to pay, because if I didn't than who knows where I would have ended up, since my family fearing for my life was not willing to settle for me coming home in such a state again. I guess I can't blame them but still it is hard to accept.
My time is very limited on the Internet so I will have to cut this off, but will try to add some notes from my journaling next time I get access to the net.
I am grateful for the continued prayers, support, encouragement, letters, and calls I receive. What a blessing to know so many wonderful people. I truly can't thank them or God enough for that gift

A week later...

So, here I am at Rogers, been here for a week today. Thankfully I am in the residential program now instead of the inpatient hospital setting. Things have been hard to say the least, somehow I think I have been winning the battle more than losing though, which is good. Although I have been doing well following the program rules mentally and emotionally it is terribly difficult. Most days I am overwhelmed by anxiety and fear of the healing and changing process. This is not fun and leaves me feeling disgusted inside and out due to the changes in my healing body. Knowing in my head that they are needed and good but not being able to appreciate it in my heart.
When I first got here there were issues with my insurance covering and because of this the treatment team transferred me to the residential program which is much cheaper than inpatient and insurance thankfully agreed to pay. I did have to pay some out of pocket expenses which was also difficult to hand over, but I guess if it is going to help me live life again than mentally I know you can't place a price on it, however, it is never easy to sacrifice such a large sum of $. Well I guess I should be greatful that I had the money to pay, because if I didn't than who knows where I would have ended up, since my family fearing for my life was not willing to settle for me coming home in such a state again. I guess I can't blame them but still it is hard to accept.
My time is very limited on the internet so I will have to cut this off, but will try to add some notes from my journaling next time I get access to the net.
I am greatful for the continued prayers, support, encouragement, letters, and calls I receive. What a blessing to know so many wonderful people. I truly can't thank them or God enough for that gift!!!!!!

Please keep touch...

34700 Valley Rd.
Oconomowoc, WI 53066

262-646-2382

Unexpected arrival...

So last night in the basement about 10pm doing laundry when I think I hear the doorbell. I hurry to the door to find my whole family there. Uh Oh, I can tell by the time of night and the arrival of the whole family that this is not going to be an easy visit. So in they all troop. I know by the looks that this is going to involve confrontation of the eating disorder. This is good right??? Yes! But easy? NO!!!!!!!! We all sit in the kitchen everyone complains of how hot it is inside, trying to make things lighten up, the air is turned off since I am the only one in the building for the week. My brothers try to joke around making things light but I am thinking lets just get down to business I know you all aren't here to have a party.
So then we get serious, the oldest brother starts. Well he says- you know we are all worried about you, we are all scared, we feel like you are going to die continuing like this. I know this is all true, but do I want to face the fact that I know they are going to suggest me going back to a treatment facility, which is ultimately what they have come to suggest? If I don't agree, my best guess is they will try to file a court commitment and that would probably involve me having to go back to a mental institution (i.e. insane asylum). So they make their feelings known, which truly I do want to know, I want them to feel free to share how this eating disorder way of life has affected them. But is it easy to hear, easy to see the emotion behind their faces? No, it isn't! You would think that through the last 14 years this hurt this pain I see in others and even sometimes have in myself would have been enough to produce lasting change. But it hasn't and I remain as stuck as ever. So as it comes to a closure I agree to pursue treatment again, and here I sit after just starting this blog yesterday and now having to put it on hold until I return. I wish I could blog while I am away because I think I could really use it as a source of expression, but hopefully I will find other ways and will ultimately have this be the last time I need to seek intensive treatment for this eating disorder. I pray that this treatment experience I will be able to truly embrace the surrender I am struggling to embrace.
Your prayers and letters will be appreciated and I would love to hear from you all! So please please keep me in the loop send me letters call me help me stay in touch with you and life. I will try to post the address and telephone # before I depart. I will not be able to access Internet so please keep in touch with me the old fashion way. Thank you for your support!!!

Brainstorm

So many people who pray for me daily, so much offering up for me! Yet where am I today, just as stuck as ever in my own little world of eating disorder lifestyle. Is it healthy? NO! Do I like it? Well the answer to that is complicated. I have some sort of safety in this lifestyle even though it is not very much fun, destroys almost every thing I do to try to have fun, or prevents me from even trying to have fun. Only parts of it offer me some sense of satisfaction, to say that it is "fun" is probably not the right word. The best way I can think of describing what I get from it is some type of enjoyment. Although little, it seems to keep me stuck in this way of trying to live. The idea of letting go of it seems so daunting. Yet the only way for me to try to find "Life" that I am meant to live is to begin to let go.
Then comes the other problem... What does letting go mean? How does it look? Letting go? Does that mean going cold turkey and making a 180 degree change in the way that I eat and live? How does one do that? This change seems necessary in order to get out of the trap I am in with the eating disorder. However to do it cold turkey well I don't know if that is possible either. But if a 180 degree turn around isn't the way to start climbing out of this hole, then where do I start the changes. What types of changes should I start with? And how do I get myself to make those changes when immediately the eating disorder thoughts screams back saying "no" or "that isn't going to work."
Now I am worn out mentally from all this thinking so I will continue later...